January 2019…
a scramble was on to get out of debt and no one knew why but me. I didn’t go into detail with my friends (until recently) about why, all of a sudden, I was bat shit crazy about being on my Dave Ramsey train. All I knew was, I had made a terrible mistake (Yet… again) and I had to right my wrong… quickly. I hate struggle especially if I didn’t cause my struggle. I’m very good at taking care of myself. It’s just me, I should be! Coming into 2019 I realized I failed myself and the only one who could fix this was ME.
So, not gonna lie, there is still a lot of anger that surrounds this story – the telling of what happened between myself and “Mystery Lance”.
Now for the story…
The backstory of “Mystery Lance” and I, the cliff notes. College love (19 years old), he broke up with me then (as well) and my memory sums it up as ‘because I was too much’ a reoccurring theme for my dating life from that point on.
{Side note: I started receiving that programming since elementary school “Reka you talk too much – go in the hall’. Little Reka learned that she was too much – which turned into big Reka who thought she was too much.
I had this underlining feeling that everyone just thought I was too much – hence my actions and the choices I made with men. So when “Mystery Lance” broke up with it was confirmation of a fixed belief I already had about myself}.
We both graduated from Howard University in 2006 and moved on with our lives… well I did. He, however, did not. I literally heard from him every year or every two years ‘checking in on me’ – which I often blew off since in that time period he had a girl.
Fast forward to May of 2018 and I was healing from my past mistakes with an abusive ex, quite well in my opinion. I was almost a year removed from him. I was doing so well (literally minding my own business) and then, the text that shifted my core a little more…
“Mystrery Lance”: Reka how are you?
Me: Who is this? (I never saved his number but also never changed my number. I sort of regret that)
“ML”: ‘mystery lance’
Me: do you still have a girlfriend?
“ML”: No
That was the day all the lies began spewing on my screen from his text. I was the princess (aka sucka) and my foot fit in the glass slipper… or so I thought.
I won’t go into the psychology of why I got so excited about the first boy who told me “I was too much” coming back to say “it took me 15 years to muster up the courage to finally say that you are the one” but he sold me the fairytale and I bought it, for $10,000 dollars.
Four months of dating, and he was checking off all of my boxes. He said all the right things, he flew me out to reconnect with his parents. He told me I was the one, his Queen. You can read more about that here.
Where I fucked up…
The moment when he accepted a job in Seattle (he lived in DC) I felt picked! I didn’t ask him to move, I can honestly, handle long distance. Also, I proved the story I was telling myself wrong… wait I am actually enough, I finally got picked. A man, my first, actually wants to be with me, he’s moving for ME?? Man I was cocky in that moment. His words and actions were matching and unfortunately at that time, I didn’t know how to truly check in on a man’s integrity (in regards to this relationship Devon Franklin’s ‘the truth about men’ was bout 4 months too late *sigh*).
He was moving to Seattle for ME, quit his job and was moving for ME. I mean who does that? Only men who are serious right? Wrong. Before his actual move he brought up the fact that he didn’t have any money to actually move. (insert: red flag)
Me: oh well I have a credit card you can use. It’s my emergency card but you’ll pay me back?
Him: You’d do that for me? Man, that means everything. Of course I’ll pay you back, I got a $10k sign on bonus – so once I get that check, I got you
I hate the awkward moments where the fork in the road is presented. Where you don’t know if you ‘help’ this person you ‘love’ or do you let them figure it out on their own. It’s hard to not help, especially when you feel like they just did something for you, I’ve got to figure out that balance.
The $10k from his job never came or got smaller and the story ends like this: I gave him my credit card, he charged $10k on it and my credit score TANKED. Red flag #1 was even BEFORE this exchange – I did start asking him about his credit score and his debt. I asked like 3 months into us ‘getting to know’ each other (again). His reasons for not showing me…. excuse after excuse “I’m so embarrassed”. I showed him my credit and debt, hoping it would erase his embarrassment, nope, he didn’t show me until December a few days before he broke up with me saying ‘you’ve got it too together’.
Now at that time in my life I was about $8K in debt, $3k of that was student loans, the rest was from travel debt that I was handling. However, I had an amazing credit score and I was finally learning how to live within my means. Add $10k on top of my already $8k and he ruined that (credit) for me… correction I ruined it for me.
What I should have done…
At the fork in the road, I should have said something like…
Me: Well I’m sure you’ll figure it out
And honestly if he would have broken up with me because I didn’t help him move, then that’s the kind of guy he is anyway.
Now, if he knew what he was doing or not, the verdict is still out on that. I do believe he was lying to himself though – which began with me. From my point of view, he was shielding the truth of himself from himself. Until I started making him see himself and he didn’t like what he saw in the mirror, so eventually he ran. Fragile men, will do one of two things, run or abuse you. I’ve had both.
I now know to always check in on a man’s personal life. You reap what you sow is the truest statement. I need to see what a man is reaping before I allow him into my heart. I focused on his shinny things too much (6 figure job + hellcat *swoon*) plus (on paper) he WAS so different from my abusive ex.
Dating me doesn’t automatically give you access to my money, I’ve got to learn that. I believe I did. The only way to know now is to have that test again and I can’t even fathom giving a man $5 let-alone money I don’t have.
The man that is for me wouldn’t have taken the money anyway
However, high key, the man for me won’t even be in debt
The abusive ex the lesson was: when someone shows you who they are believe them
Mystery Lance the lesson was: forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it
I use to confuse taking care of a man you claim to love, as being a good person and if I didn’t – I’d be a bad person. So, my wires were definitely crossed on what is defined as bad vs. having boundaries, there is a difference.
I believe I’m very clear on who I will allow into my life now. If I see no fruits in his life – he will be granted zero access to me. I need to see the type of reaping a man has, which will explain to me what he is sowing.
If you’re keeping score, he (ML) was reaping debt, therefore he wasn’t sowing financial stability. Equals = low integrity! Equals = man I won’t date. Uugh
Me: BUT this situation has now unfortunately scared me. If someone can go that far in a lie, why would I trust the next guy?
Hannah: It’s a huge undertaking to have to remind yourself that what he did is a reflection of him and not on you. I think that women in general do a lot more introspection and often we’re the catalysts for them starting to examine their own patterns and address healing they might need to do.
The abusive ex, I knew would end eventually. It hurt but for some reason he was easier to heal from. After having a fraud in sheep’s clothing pull the wool over your eyes, like I did with “Mystery Lance”, this will be a harder one to bounce back from as far as trusting goes.
As far as my anger, I do believe I let it out in healthy ways, I write about it, I talk/blog about it and I honor my feelings without sitting in them for days.
The negative ways it comes out – I see it and I’m working on it. For now though – all MEN are scum but I refuse to be the woman that allows my husband (if) to pay for ML’s fumble. It’s on me to guard my heart from now on and heal from this… that is on me. I do believe that this is a regret that only time with WORK – can be erased.
It will always be a memory of what not to do, it will be a lesson I learned that I will teach over and over and over again
I pray for my heart a lot, for it to heal and for me to just get the learnings and move on without baggage.
Praise report: since January 2019 to now, I’ve paid off over $9k in debt. I will say that he has sent me $300 (cash app) every two weeks since then. We never talk but every other Friday it’s nice to see a notification “you’ve got $300”. What isn’t nice is having to cancel on my friends 35th birthday trip (after saying yes), not being able to celebrate ‘our’ birthday with my best friend Lori (we’re 5 days apart) and the worst, not being able to celebrate my birthday as I normally do (on a beach) celebrating me. Instead I’m here, stuck in a small town cleaning up the mess of a careless man begging folks for $5 for my birthday so I can buy a laptop for my business (the embarrassment was palpable). You may be able to knock me down, but I bet I won’t stay down.
Since it’s my mission to be a light for women, I share in hopes to be a “survival guide” to the women who are coming behind me and the women who have been through the mud when it comes to relationships. Plus, when I reveal I heal – I truly believe that. This is my therapy and one day I’ll be able to afford a therapist but until then… I blog and share with you! Time to push the shame aside (as we all should do, when we’re ready, of course).
Allow, this to be courage for you to walk around in society with your head held high, knowing you are allowed to require a man to be financially fit before he ever gets into your heart! Men and society need to grow the Fuck up! Per this blog you know I will never date a broke man ever again and yes if you are in debt, YOU ARE BROKE! Men need to grow up and learn how to take care of themselves before the try to invite a woman into their life.
That ‘man’ you’re dating has one mother and honey it’s not YOU!
Ps. I got the laptop and not a dime of it was put on credit *wink*
Pps. At this time I owed the IRS $3k. Plus I ended up having to pay off the iPhone he gifted me. Yes a $1400 phone he felt I needed, so he ‘bought’ me one. Surprised me with it, so of course after that break up- I ended up paying for a gift I never wanted. All of this included in the $9k I’ve paid off since Jan 🙂
2019 has been an interesting year so far…
Can you do me a favor? First, If you made it this far, you’re the REAL MVP! If you like what you read and feel someone else you know could use some inspiration, place share this blog post. The twitter and FB share option is below. It’s FREE to share and it’ll help in spreading the energy of ‘Singleness Is Not A Punishment’ xo
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I truly believe that you can not feel or speak what isn’t in you and what isn’t being fed.
So my goal is to feed and get in you… POWER! I want to help you water that seed. I want to empower YOU as much as I can. I want you to know for sure that… You are WORTHY regardless of your relationship status!
Here is a testimony from one of the girls in my previous “Singleness Is Not A Punishment” Workshop:
“I now know I get to be as picky as I want to be so that I don’t end up entertaining the type of trash I’ve previously had. Now that I know better, I can certainly do better without faltering and waving off anything as minor like I previously did. Even the smallest most minor things can turn into a whole catastrophe. I don’t want that ever again.” – Alba
I want that feeling that Alba now has for YOU, is that something you want? I want you walking around not being afraid of standing up for you. I want you to be able to say THIS IS WHO I AM and not care what others think. This is your life and I can’t wait to guide you while you create it 🙂
Where do you want to be a year from now?
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