Lord please don’t let this post be mad long… but I do have a lot to say…
I have now been single for a little over a year, which includes being celibate. For the first few months of this past year (birthday – birthday) I about cried every single night and could NOT get a good night of sleep to save my life. I developed anxiety and couldn’t even breathe correctly for a period of time. I literally had to focus on breathing. So, what I’m saying here — is that shit was hard but the day he broke up with me, I KNEW that I would be ok, if I could just get to a year!
Today you’d be hard-pressed to find me thinking about that man. I survived on purpose. The day he broke up with me, I broke down in front of him (no, not begging him). I just broke down, like the absolutely full on ugly cry. Honestly, it felt more like a release than anything. God saved me. I knew I was supposed to walk away from him months before then. And now, being truly honest, I knew he wasn’t the man for me weeks into the relationship. But I was weak, so God removed him for me. WON’T. HE. DO. IT. (God)
My last relationship was absolutely the worst relationship I had ever been in, in my life. I’ve only had what I call 3 serious relationships. But damnit this last one took me on an emotional roller coaster and I couldn’t figure how I got here (there). Before him, I always thought I was a STRONG – independent – smart woman. The kind of girl who wouldn’t take any shit from guys. Let’s be clear, I dodged a lot of bullets but this one hit me right in the heart. The day he broke up with me I immediately changed my flight to leave Atlanta in the NEXT few hours (I needed to get home). This change cost me well over $500 but I had to do it for me. Plus, I was embarrassed to call any of my close friends and explain what happened. No one knew what type of person he really was except for me. So, saying I was embarrassed was an understatement. I truly felt like a liar. I had been lying to my friends, my parents and social media. Still, I was released from a relationship I had no idea how to walk away from. I knew if I could just get home I could pick up the pieces. Sorry, I promise I’ll get to how I picked those pieces up and how I am NOW truly the strong woman I thought I use to be. I simply want to encourage YOU, girl (or boy) that relationships can be bad but I want you to know you are not alone in making bad choices. What choices will you make next?
Three reasons I know I stayed
(there were more but you ain’t about to read all that)
“Life can only be lived forward and understood backwards” – Joyce Meyer
- He checked the box of fine.I had other requirements but I guess I thought, I’ll figure out if he has those other qualities as we go along. Stupid, I was mesmerized by his fine. Sad to say, No ugly dude would have been able to treat me the way he did.
- I felt sorry for him.I wanted to fix him. I truly thought that being the ride or die girl, I’d get the man I wanted. I was wrong. While stupid, I believe every girl has been there. Where you put down your crown for a minute to help find a crown for what you think is a king. KeriHilson (singer) was able to put into words how I feel now about a ‘ride or die’ mentality!
“The whole ‘ride or die’ concept rubs me wrong. Love is not a contest to see how much pain I can withstand. How many burdens of your boyhood I can carry for your comfort, despite mine. How many untrustworthy situations I can jump over, with an uncertain hope that MAYBE you’ll grow out of putting us in them. How many of your satisfactions I can facilitate while mine are left unaddressed. QUEENS don’t enter that shit. We gone get to this finish line with equal effort” – Keri
- Embarrassment.I did not want to go through the embarrassment of deleting pictures off of social media because once you do people know immediately what happened. And regardless if you want to talk about it or not people will notice, ask questions and make judgements. I was extremely embarrassed and ashamed that it swallowed me whole! Been there? Me too girl. But say it with me; NEVER AGAIN. ‘Standards so high that my ex would never be able to reach me, even on his tippy toes, standing on a ladder.’
Three things I did to heal
Finally!! What did I do to get my confidence back? The essence of my swag, consisted of knowledge that I deserved the best possible situation next time in love. I knew that I didn’t want to carry any baggage from him to my next man. If I did carry any baggage then that meant he won. But in MY story, I WIN! Again, there are multiple things I did including taking it one day at a time. But here are the 3 things that I think were most helpful! The path to my-self-love started July 8, 2017, when will yours start?
- Took a nose dive into the word.I got right in the armpit of God (I don’t know where I got that saying from *teehee*). I wanted to see what God said about me. I wanted to learn and become the type of woman I needed to be in order to attract the type of man and life I wanted. I’m not naive enough to think that I didn’t contribute to the types of relationships I had been in. You know the definition of insanity right? Well I didn’t want to be that. So, in order for change, I had to become the change I wanted to see. I started slow. I bought this magazine at Walgreens that said “Legendary women of the bible”. I wanted to hear their stories and right now Vashti is my favorite. Plus, what does a Proverbs 31 woman even mean? It’s seems to be such a trendy saying. Now I know that yes, I am her. I did the work.
“I wanna know the word so well that I will know immediately when someone (he) is twisting it. Remember the devil not only believes in God but knows the word too, which is why he doesn’t want you to read it” – Me
- Paid guys zero attention. No seriously. I am mean right now. I don’t take any shit. And I am absolutely ok with that. “Singleness is not a punishment”. I am now celibate and I literally want to say “I’ve been clean for over a year”. I FEEL SO LIBERATED AND PURIFIED from the joy men have taking from me (which I let happen). Unfortunately, over and over again, I believed words before I saw action. Now I take heed to what my aunt preached years and years ago “love is an action word”. So, if a dude ain’t ‘about that action boss’ (Marshawn Lynch voice) he will never get an inch with me. Btw, I would have let Marshawn run it in but GO HAWKS. Sidenote: I have a Marshawn Lynch story hereabout how he made my ex SO MAD haha
Ps. I DO NOT MISS SEX, this, for me has been an easy ride! Especially after reading ‘the wait’.
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” – Matthew 7:6
- Took a solo trip to Mexico. I wasn’t scared one bit! How’d I do it? I bought the ticket and I called it my ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ Christmas trip. Everyone was so scared for me, especially my Mom. This fueled my fire and honestly made me book the ticket faster. I needed to be by myself and tune out every single person. I didn’t even really listen to music when I was on the beach or walking in the city. I wanted to hear the sounds around me and be with my own thoughts. I brought my bible, some books, a journal and an open heart. Again, I wanted to listen to God and figure out His Willfor my life and plan out my year (2018). Plus, I had FUN. I won’t go into all the activities I did because that’s a different blog post. However, go on a SOLO TRIP, especially if you have no responsibilities, GO! And If you’ve never seen the movie ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ watch it.
(Pictured above Puerto Vallarta; Marietas Islands, Mexico)
“There’s a wonderful old Italian joke about a poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, “Dear saint-please, please, please…give me the grace to win the lottery.” This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated staue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust, “My son-please, please, please…buy a ticket.” – EPL
Alright let’s wrap this up
What I know for sure can be summed up by Will Smith:
“I grew up with the definition of love being that you push, and jam people into achieving and building and growing. What I realized with Willow: I shifted from the desire and pleasure paradigm of love. If someone does what you say, you desire something, you want them to behave in a certain way. And if they behave that way you love them. So that’s the desire, pleasure paradigm of love “hey I’m going to give you [this] and then you’re going to behave like [this] and we’re going to love each other. And Willow shifted me into more of what I call the “gardner, flower paradigm” of love where the [flower] already is what God intends. It’s a seed and I take out what I want it to be. Release what I want. I want it to be what it’s intended to be. So, my definition of love shifted to a gardener. I just want to create a place and have water. I want you to become what you want to become. I’m not going to demand that you become what I want you to become. And that was sort of the evolution and transition for me into loving Willow and then ultimately every person around me in helping them become what they want to become not demanding that they be what I see in my picture” – Will Smith
Now what flower do you want though? Pick your seed wisely. Roses or weeds – Me
Ps. The down fall of my relationship started 2 weeks after we got together. I got flowers for my birthday from a college friend. When he (ex) asked me about them, I told him just that. Mind you this college friend and I don’t talk on a regular basis. I literally haven’t heard from him since that birthday of 2016. I guess my friend was feeling generous and at the time he sent them I was single. Four months later after the flowers had died, he (ex) asked me if I had ever talked to that guy in college. My response was yes. It was this moment where he began calling me out of my actual character. The problem began with allowing myself to believe him and trying to prove that I wasn’t this perceived villain he made me out to be. Ever heard of the term gaslighting?
To that man I once loved as hard as I knew how. To the man I cried for and cried over and felt ashamed about my past for:
- I am not sneaky
- I am not a liar
- I do not have hoe tendencies
- I am trust worthy and I am the best type of woman
- I lowered my standards for you. But good news, I have picked them up now and you would NEVER be able to reach them. Ever.
I hope you tell your next girl that I paid for your Commercial Driver’s License, those LeBron’s you’re probably still rocking, and your first ever surprise party, I did all of that and more. All the places you tell her you went, were paid for by me. Your first time at Disney World, paid for by me. I just pray you achieve the level of transparency you required of me, in order to not be a liar in your eyes. Thank you for the lessons though.
Ps. And to the girl who got my Michael Kors bags, and Jordan’s as a present from Goodwill I hope YOU NEVER give those away because your ‘boyfriend’ is so upset you got them from an ex. If he asks, he’s insecure, absolutely dangerous and YOU NEED TO RUN.
“If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging… ” – Romans 12:8
If you made it this far THANK YOU, you’re the real MVP!